Practical Tips
for Helping Families in Medical Crisis
By Amelia Gilliland,
RN
With Mrs. Catherine
Gilliland, and Claire, Mariya, Grace, and Carolyn Gilliland
An
accident. A cancer diagnosis. A terminal illness. A miscarriage or child born
prematurely. It pains our hearts to see our friends, neighbors, and church
family hurting from medical crises. We want to help lift their burdens, but it
can be difficult to know how best to help. Sometimes it is difficult to find
ways to help because we don’t really understand what they are going through or we
don’t know what the person or family needs. Sometimes we might even wonder if
our efforts to help are truly helpful. Though each crisis and each family’s
experience is different, there are many things you can do to help these hurting
people regardless of the specifics of their situation. Through my own family’s experiences
with medical crises and my nursing training, I would like to share with you
some thoughts and practical ideas to empower you to effectively meet the needs
of those in medical crisis around you.
Offer specific ways you can help
Being
willing to help in any way needed is wonderful, but offer specific ways you can,
or would like, to help. Navigating a medical crisis is overwhelming and lots of
“I would be happy to help in any way you need – just let me know” offers can
actually add to the overwhelming feelings. It adds to the information that has
to be sorted out and decisions that have to be made. Sometimes it is just
beyond someone in crisis to decide who-to-ask-help-from-for-what. Sometimes it
hard to simply find the time to even make the call for help. And, sometimes
pride gets in the way of asking for help – even if it has already been offered
and even when a person is getting desperate! So, decide what you would like to
do to help and then make a specific offer. Making specific offers for what you
know you have the resources and time to help with will also protect you from
having to say “no” if you were to be asked to help with something you are not
able to help with.
Here are some specific ideas:
~ Meals (hot and ready to eat, freezer meals, or meals for
family members staying with the ill person at the hospital)
~ House cleaning
~ Laundry/ironing
~ Yard care
~ Garden/farm care
~ Driving (taking children to and from school or other
extracurricular activities, taking older children to the store for grocery
shopping, giving rides to and from doctor appointments, etc.)
~ Home and automobile maintenance and repairs
~ Child care
~ Coordinate help from others for the family
Even if a family is capable of
managing such tasks on their own despite a crisis, the practical help can still
be such a blessing. It offers moral support and helps them see in tangible ways
that they are not alone.
Provide childcare
Offering to
care for young children on a regular basis can be immensely helpful for the
entire family. Not only does it offer a reprieve for the parents or older
children caring for the little ones, it can also help the younger ones as
well. Being able to spend time away from
the craziness of their usually calm and secure world-turned-upside-down can
give a sense of security, helping the little ones cope with the stress of the
medical crisis. It can be very upsetting even for very young children to see
their family member so ill, so time away where the crisis isn’t staring them in
the face all the time can help relieve some of their stress. Making this a
regular short-term occurrence (one afternoon a week) or intermittent long-term
event (keeping the children for a full weekend or week) will help add
predictability to the child’s life and will help the child feel more in control
because they know what to expect. Structured activities, a predictable
schedule, and incorporating the children into normal household chores and
routines can add to the benefit of time spent away from home. Some children
feel a need to be closer to their parents, so shorter times away may be better,
while children a little older and with a little more independence may do better
with longer stays away from home.
It is not
uncommon for young children to demonstrate regression during periods of extreme
stress. This means they may temporarily to go back to less mature stages of
normal child growth and development. This can include behavior issues like
acting out or separation anxiety, but it can also have physical manifestations.
For example, a potty-trained child may start having accidents again. Being cognizant of this will help you be able
to respond in an understanding and positive way. A supportive, caring, and
structured environment will be particularly beneficial to these children.
Encourage the family members to take time for self-care
Self-care
is critically important when dealing with the stress of a medical crisis. Without
self-care those caring for the ill family member or other younger family
members will eventually be worn down emotionally and/or physically and will be
unable to care for others. Self-care is
not selfishness – it is empowering because it gives the recharge needed to
keep going. We are humans with limitations. Even Jesus hid himself from the
very needy throngs of people so He could have time alone with His Father. That
is self-care – taking time to do
something restful or refreshing for you.
Encourage the older family members
who are busy caring for the sick and younger children to take time for
themselves: a walk alone, an evening with a relaxing bath, a quite hour with a
good book or movie, a craft project, etc. Taking time for “unnecessary” things
like this can seem impossible. We even make ourselves feel guilty for taking
time to care for ourselves. There does not need to be any guilt in it. It is a
good and necessary thing. So encourage self-care, keep them accountable for it
when appropriate, and when possible facilitate it by helping with child-care
and other day-to-day necessities.
Share words of encouragement
Get well
cards and written notes of encouragement to not only the ill person, but also
to the family members, mean so very much! It would be hard to over-do this –
sending one every week or two is not too much. Consider making the note writing
a family project and put together a package of encouraging cards, one to be
opened daily or weekly for however long you choose. Including Scriptures can be
particularly encouraging. You can even send a note even if you don’t know the
person very well – it could me the world to them.
Phone calls
can also be a wonderful encouragement – again, not only for the ill person, but
also just as importantly for the family members. Just letting them know you are
thinking about them can be huge and this can open up opportunities for the
person to talk. You might tell someone they can call anytime if they “just need
to talk”. That is wonderful, but sometimes it can be hard to pick up the phone
and call someone “just to talk” even if they know they need it. So call,
check-in, and then if they are ready to talk they will open up.
When the
relationship and situation allows, be direct in asking how the family member is
doing – not to pry, but to give them an opportunity to share how they really are doing. If (or when) they cry,
there is no need to feel bad. You didn't make them cry. They needed to cry,
they needed to share, and you have just given them that opportunity to be real
and open – even just with themselves – about how they really are doing. There
is healing in tears and being real. Listen, hug them, let them know you are
praying for them, but please, please, don't try to fix their problems!
Now having
said all this, show care and concern for their situation, but try not to let it
dominate or define every conversation. Sometimes it can get old to always have
people asking how your ill family member is doing. Not because the care isn’t
appreciated, but because repeating the same thing and answering the same questions
over and over again is tough, especially if there are no answers to the questions
about the diagnosis, prognosis, testing, treatment plan, etc.! It is hard to
answer a quick “How is he/she doing?” with just a one or two word answer. The answer is really not as simple as “good”
or “bad”! If you are looking for an
update on how the ill individual is doing, consider looking to their church’s
prayer requests/updates or a patient care site/blog if available.
A couple things NOT to say
When you
are looking to encourage someone, there are a couple things that should not be said. Number one, “I know what
you are going through.” This is a common statement. People say it with good
motives and want to convey empathy, but unless you really have experienced the
same thing, don’t say or suggest that you know what it is like. It can really hurt. Instead, relate to
the person by identifying feelings. “That must be very overwhelming” or “I
would feel _______ if I were in your shoes right now.” This can be comforting
because it shows you are trying to understand what they are going through. Identifying
feelings also helps the hurting person recognize their feelings and it gives
them permission to experience those feelings. Number two, “Everything will be
okay.” Again, this is said to encourage, but you do not know that everything
will be okay. Perhaps you don’t know the whole story. Maybe the family isn’t
ready to share everything yet. Offer compassion and encouraging words, but
don't offer false hope.
Give
If you are
able, consider giving financially. Medical crises are costly whether due to
medical expenses or loss of income when the breadwinner is ill or the caregiver
is unable to work. A financial gift may seem impersonal but can be a huge
blessing and relieve a great deal of financial stress. If you prefer to give in
kind, consider giving groceries, paying for an automobile repair, or paying for
some other type of expense.
The crisis isn’t over when the diagnosis is gone
There is
great rejoicing when a person is declared cancer-free or discharged home from
the hospital, but the crisis isn’t over when the diagnosis is gone. As
upside-down as a family’s world turns when they receive a cancer (or other
life-altering) diagnosis, there is sometimes more predictability during
treatment than after treatment is finished. During treatment there is an
algorithm for which treatment comes first, how long it lasts, expected side
effects, then the next treatment modality expected based on the outcome of the
first. After a person is diagnosis-free, the algorithm is gone and can leave a
family feeling in no-man’s land. Their loved one is “well” but not really well
at the same time - and there is no prescribed way to get well! It can take many
months for the ill person be regain their strength, return to normal activities,
and be able to resume their previous responsibilities. Sometimes the family
will be able to return to their “old normal” and other times they will reach a
“new normal”. Regardless, this process takes time and can be difficult and
frustrating. As the family needs less and less practical help, continue praying
and providing emotional support.
A special note for families in medical crisis
As
difficult as cancer and other life-altering illnesses are to understand for
adults, it is even more difficult for children. Whether it is a child who is
severely ill or a family member, Child Life Specialists can help children
understand, at an age appropriate level, what is going on. They have special
training and resources that can be used to guide and help children process the
crisis and medical treatments. Contact your local cancer treatment center or
doctor to find a Child Life Specialist who can help you.
If you are
really struggling with a life-altering illness, illness of a family member, or
the aftermath of a medical crisis, consider seeking professional counseling. It
may be easy to think of counseling as something for those who are “weak” or
“incapable” of coping on their own. This
is not the case! Like a personal
trainer, a counselor is a one-on-on coach – someone who can coach you mentally,
emotionally, and spiritually. It takes
courage to seek help, but it shows that you want and are willing to grow and
learn from the difficult situation. Getting help does not mean you are weak, it
means you want to become stronger. You may find a counselor in your local phone
book or you can request a referral to a counselor from your pastor or family
doctor.
I write
this with heartfelt appreciation to the countless people who have carried my
family and me through more than one major medical crisis. For the countless
meals, the sweet notes from distant friends, the young men who cared for our
yard, for groceries and more meals, for the families who provided a safe and
calm haven for my little sisters as our parents were so very ill, for the many
men who maintained our automobiles and helped with home repairs, for my friends
who looked me squarely in the eye and asked me how I was doing – how I was
coping – and then were not scared away when I burst into tears… and for so very,
very much more. In writing this I have relived some of the best, worst, and
bittersweet moments of these crises, and I am beginning to see an answer to
prayer – that these painful experiences would not go to waste. These
experiences have helped me know better how to come along side hurting people
and help them in a truly helpful way, and I hope in sharing this that you too
will be empowered to minister more effectively to families in medical crisis.
No comments:
Post a Comment